According to the calendar, it’s supposed to be the season of love. But Hallmark doesn’t exactly make a card for every emotion you might be feeling this Valentine’s Day. Which is why we put together a little film guide to walk you through February 14 – however you choose to celebrate.
In case the pandemic has made you so desperately unhinged, even having sex with cars at this point sounds enticing.
For plotting revenge fantasies against the guy who ghosted you, which was somehow surprising even though he was a known ghoster, and for some reason every fantasy involves you wearing some super-amazing outfit you would never wear in real life.
For when your boyfriend has been mansplaining feminism and you want to put him in his place under the guise of a fun date night movie.
For when you’re single but still dress up in an adorably quirky way every day of quarantine because who knows? Maybe your Amazon delivery guy will be the one.
For watching with your lover you intend to leave soon while your husband is out of town on “business.”
For wearing sweatpants and Facetiming your girlfriends who told you they would all hang up if you mention your ex’s name one more time. (Technically a show, not a film, but isn’t bingeing also a Valentine’s Day mood?)
For anyone with enough self-esteem to watch Brigitte Bardot flounce around naked on the beach without wanting to throw themselves out a window. Applies for solo watching or date night.
For getting all emotional and vulnerable with your live-in girlfriend so that when you start a fight later it’ll really do some damage.
For convincing your bro to watch a foreign film with you so you can try and impress some girl in your French 101 class, but you both end up getting way more into it than you’re comfortable admitting.
For getting deep into a bottle of wine and wondering if it would be weird to send a letter to that person you had an emotional affair with ten years ago telling them of your undying affection despite the fact that you haven’t spoken since and don’t even follow each other on social media.
For when half-off boxes of heart-shaped chocolates really aren’t filling that void, and you might just have to turn to devouring human flesh.
For when you’re that couple everyone hates because you actually DO Valentine’s Day—you’ve had a meal plan for weeks, bought some expensive champagne and a bunch of red lace lingerie, and already did a whole photoshoot for Instagram about how lucky you are to have each other.
For when your partner has just expressed an interest in opening your relationship, and you want to get ahead of that with a World War backdrop of the worst possible scenario.
For watching with your friend group that’s all sleeping together and loves an underlying communist message.
Pretty much the original Love is Blind, Blind Date is the rom com you need if you’ve spent all of lockdown fantasizing about murdering your noisy neighbor… which, around month three, turned into straight up fantasizing about them.
For when your love life has been so disappointing that you’d rather think about Hiroshima than Hinge.
Featured Image: Stock Photos from Shutterstock / Africa Studio