Your French Horoscopes for November

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Les belles étoiles smile upon you, rotating in their various configurations, manipulating your life for their own celestial amusement. What does the future hold for you in terms of sex, charcuterie, and fromage? Welcome to your French horoscopes for November, in which we translate the astrological prophecies of French Wink into English.

Scorpio

Love – You are never alone. Even when it appears that way, you are actually surrounded by scorpions. As a result, your love life is not going well, and your romantic liaisons depend greatly on being able to go back to their place after a few drinks. Try placing lavender on your windowsills to discourage scorpions from entering your bed and scaring off potential sexual partners

Work – You tend to stab coworkers in the back with that poisonous barb affixed to your tail. The tail also makes standard office chairs an absolute nightmare to get comfortable in. Quit your job and find a nice cool rock to hide under.

Spiritual – Si vous me piquez, est-ce que je ne saigne pas?

Smoking — Oui.

 

Sagittarius

Love – Divorcées. And divorcés. You will be steeped in the sex of failed marriages. It will be weird, but then again, you are half-human, half-horse. If wishes were horses, centaurs would ride.

Work – The King of Autumn is an odd bird. He certainly has the Midas touch in entrepreneurial endeavors. He does not offer benefits, though, and the insurance exchange in your state in just untenable. Time for a vacation.

Spiritual – Hiii hiii.

Smoking — Oui, merci.

 

Capricorn

Love – A new relationship or emotional experience is in the winds for you, dear Capricorn. Possibly a romantic vacation. The Tropic of Capricorn, perhaps? Ah yes, you have found yourself in the middle of a Henry Miller novel. Go with it, dear goat.

Work – Goats, like the French, do not have jobs.

Spiritual – Bêê ouais.

Smoking — Ah, oui.

 

Aquarius

Love – Something fishy is going on in your romantic life. You make too many puns, and thus, you are alone. But one does not need a partner to dance.

Work – It takes great courage to face your past disappointments and allow healing to take place. Enjoy being out on disability for accidentally stapling your hand to your desk.

Spiritual – Eau.

Smoking — T’as du feu? Bon. Donnes-moi une clope.

 

Aries

Love –You are about to enter into a significant relationship with a new brand of red wine, possibly a 60/40% split between Grenache and Carignan, a vintage from the early 80s, so: age appropriate. If you are already enjoying a nice red, you might be tempted to leave it for this new wine—always remember that you never know how wine will age, and you may find yourself with a corked bottle in your old age.

Work – Learning the traditional ways of doing things can sometimes be very effective. But sometimes Jeb Bush has a better idea. Do not work more than 35 hours in any given week this month, and if you can, find someone who will pay you $75,000 for an hour-long speech. 

Spiritual – Euf.

Smoking — Eh, Gauloises? Euh, okay.

 

Taurus

 Love – Celebrate your recent successes with your partner. If you’re single, share it with everyone. In either case, “celebrate” means “have sex.” As you give to those in need, the universe gives back to you—giving does not have to be in the form of money. There are many who are in need of your time as a volunteer. Perhaps you have excellent advice to give or could offer instruction or experience to an apprentice. Be wise in your giving, though: wear protection.

Work – It’s time for a review. Take note of what you have learned in life so far. But do not do it on your cigarette break, as that time is yours and yours alone. For every minute of reflection, reward yourself with one minute of smoke break. Reflect for an hour and you can essentially go home for the day!

Spiritual – Ooof.

Smoking — Supér!

Gemini

Love – The Queen of Summer is beautiful and serene, but she is dead now, slain by the leafy sword of autumn, which doesn’t sound particularly dangerous, weapon-wise, but it certainly does the job. For you, Gemini, love—like the warm weather of summer and early fall—is dead to you until spring.

Work – Wonderful news! You’ve discovered a windfall of unexpected vacation time thanks to an unforeseen error in converting metric work hours to customary! Use your resources wisely. Now is a good time to make investments in Netflix and soft cheeses.

Spiritual – *throat clears*

Smoking — Si, c’est bon.

 

Cancer

Love – Here comes the proverbial “Knight in shining armor,” and he is here to help you in whatever way he’s needed. Sexually. Ask him to take off his suit of armor before he drags his jankety boots all over your hardwood floors, and remember: chain mail does not prevent sexually transmitted diseases. There’s no task too big and no detail too small that he won’t rush in and take charge of it. If you need something done now, he’s your guy. As an endless optimist, he is always smiling while he works, and once the job is done, you will probably get a happy wink from him as well.

Work – Pay special attention to flashes of inspiration and original, creative ideas—these are the sparks that will help you write that novel you’re writing while pretending to look busy at work.

Spiritual – Bah non.

Smoking — It’d be a little hypocritical to say no, non?

 

Leo

Love – You were made for sex and violence. You cannot hunt, you cannot rear children. All you’re good for is mauling strange males who would take your women away from you. Don’t let anyone steal your pride. Don’t get angry when your lady friend is gone for a long time—she’s out stalking impalas because she loves you and you failed Home Economics.

Work – Positive changes are on the way. The challenging times fade away as you prepare to go part-time at your job. Leave your troubles behind you, and plot a course for the future: will your boss find out that you’re part-time? She’s never in the office, and you can clock in and then go on a five-hour smoke break. Say you were with clients, if she calls the office and finds out you’re not there.

Spiritual – Ah, tu vois, mec. Tu vois bien.

Smoking — Oui, après la baise.

 

Virgo

Love – The best treasures in life often take a while to mature. Secondary sex traits loom in your future. Don’t stop believing just as the fruit ripens on the vine. You will reinstall Tinder and Happn, and it will be a cornucopia of potential sexual partners with little or no interest in commitment or brunch. Much like church, no one actually likes brunch. It’s just become a thing we do on Sundays.

Work – Choices about the short-term future now appear, and who wants to commit to anything long-term? If you had every possible resource at your disposal, what brave new steps would you take? None! Every possible resource is retirement territory. You will reread your horoscope, slowly, deliberately, hoping you can stretch the words out until 5pm when you can go home.

Spiritual – Ennui.

Smoking — *Coughing fit*.

 

Libra

Love – The Queen of Summer is beautiful and serene. You enter her presence and a sense of calm envelops you. She radiates love and peace. The Queen also knows what you are thinking! Extremely intuitive, she understands your heart better than you do. For that reason, she makes an outstanding counselor. Who can help you get clarity on whatever situation is troubling you. Listen to your heart. Intuitive insights you can trust. These are all euphemisms for sex.

Work – Everyone is so very proud of you and the progress you have made. You’ve been unemployed for five years and have managed to avoid eviction, starvation and prostitution! Reward yourself with a day off.

Spiritual – Eh, comme ci, comme ça.

Smoking — American Spirits? Fine.

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