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Buried deep in the code of the Netflix servers are movie categories that never see the presentation layer of the site. What purpose do they serve, if not to engender wonder in the minds of subscribers? Thanks to the intrepid work of some code monkeys, we now have a fairly full list of every possible iteration of cinema—including these fantastically hyper-specific options for watching French films.
All links go straight to Netflix’s mysterious categories.
Simple enough!
Critically-acclaimed French-Language Movies
Okay, forget the last category, then.
Cerebral French-Language Movies
Oh… kay…
Cerebral French-Language Crime Dramas
Is the language cerebral or is the crime drama cerebral?
Cerebral French-Language Dramas
Guess it wasn’t the crime that was cerebral.
Cerebral French-Language Movies from the 1950s
Post-war sex, mostly. The sexual libération, tu vois.
Cerebral French-Language Movies from the 1960s
French people having sex with questionable haircuts.
Cerebral French-Language Dramas from the 1960s
Sorry, that was ambiguous: French people with questionable haircuts having sex.
Cerebral French-Language Movies from the 1970s
Yes, but aren’t any of them critical darlings?
Critically-acclaimed Cerebral French-Language Dramas
Wait, why were we wasting all that time on critically-unacclaimed cerebral French-language movies?
Critically-acclaimed Dark French-Language Movies
Le Faucon Maltais?
Critically-acclaimed French Dramas from the 1950s
Ah, the days before Gérard Depardieu.
Critically-acclaimed French Dramas from the 1960s
He’s… he’s not here yet, is he? Oh, phew.
Critically-acclaimed French Dramas from the 1970s
Oh… hi, Gérard. You look fantastic!
Critically-acclaimed French Movies from the 1960s
Where did Gérard go?
Critically-acclaimed French Movies from the 1970s
Someone check Russia.
Critically-acclaimed French-Language Crime Dramas
The crime: being too sexy, smoking too many cigarettes.
Critically-acclaimed French-Language Crime Movies
The crime: not enough drama.
Critically-acclaimed French-Language Dramas
The drama: not enough crime. Or sex.
Critically-acclaimed French-Language Thrillers
The Red Balloon!
Critically-acclaimed Romantic French-Language Dramas
Audrey Tatou in World War II.
Critically-acclaimed Romantic French-Language Movies
Audrey Tatou in a super color-saturated Paris.
Critically-acclaimed Suspenseful French Movies
Will they have sex?
Critically-acclaimed Suspenseful French Dramas
[Dramatically] Will they have sex?
Dark French-Language Political Movies
Who did the president have an affair with?
Dark French-Language Thrillers
Who cares if they’re not critically-acclaimed? Oh right, there’s still affairs.
Exciting French-Language Dramas
“Exciting,” indeed.
French-Language Action & Adventure
Sex in a shootout, sex on a mountain.
Oh, here we go.
French-Language Coming-of-age Dramas
Sexual awakenings.
French-Language Coming-of-age Movies
Less dramatic sexual awakenings.
French-Language Crime Comedies
The criminals are having an affair in the bank! Hilarious!
This is how French people have affairs. Let’s watch.
Fifteen minutes of sex, 5 minutes of shouting. Repeat for 115 minutes.
French-Language Gay & Lesbian Dramas
Unnecessary distinctions. All French people are polyamorous.
French-Language Gay & Lesbian Movies
Oh, don’t be so dramatic.
French-Language Horror Movies from the 1970s
Anything starring Gérard Depardieu having sex.
French-Language Military Dramas
“These are guns!”
French-Language Military Movies
“These are also guns.”
Why do the French have so much sex?
French-Language Political Movies
We have to pass a law to stop these people from having sex in films. The population is out of control.
French-Language Sci-Fi & Fantasy
A world in which French people do not feature sex in films.
French-Language Thrillers from the 1960s
Thigh-high boots? Thrilling!
French-Language Thrillers from the 1970s
Mini-skirts? Thrilling!
French-Language Thrillers from the 1980s
Breast augmentation…
War of the sexes. Using sex.
Gritty French-Language Crime Movies
Just enough grit, just enough crime.
Just enough grit, not enough crime.
Irreverent French-Language Comedies
Wouldn’t want to get suckered into watching a reverent French comedy!
Irreverent French-Language Movies
Wouldn’t want to get suckered into watching a comedy!
Mind-bending French-Language Movies
If you don’t speak the language, pretty much all French movies are mind-bending.
Romantic French-Language Comedies
Movies in which they laugh during sexual encounters.
Romantic French-Language Dramas
Movies in which they cry during sexual encounters.
Scary French-Language Thrillers
It’s scary how much the French have affairs.
Sentimental French-Language Movies
Remember that time we had an affair?
“Steamy” because they’re having an affair.
Steamy French-Language Gay & Lesbian Dramas
“Steamy” and LGBTQ.
Steamy French-Language Gay & Lesbian Movies
Even not having sex, if it’s French-language, it’s still steamy.
Understated French-Language Dramas
“Understated” meaning “softcore pornography” in French.
Critically-acclaimed Understated French Dramas
Critically-acclaimed yet understated… how French.
Understated French-Language Movies
Mostly starring mimes. They’re super understated.
Understated French-Language Movies from the 1980s
Ah, the one decade the French ill-advisedly attempted understatement.
Violent French-Language Movies
This also describes any movie featuring a Québécoise accent.
Here’s the comprehensive—and frankly bonkers—list of hidden Netflix categories. Bon cinéma!
