Buried deep in the code of the Netflix servers are movie categories that never see the presentation layer of the site. What purpose do they serve, if not to engender wonder in the minds of subscribers? Thanks to the intrepid work of some code monkeys, we now have a fairly full list of every possible iteration of cinema—including these fantastically hyper-specific options for watching French films.
All links go straight to Netflix’s mysterious categories.
Okay, forget the last category, then.
Is the language cerebral or is the crime drama cerebral?
Guess it wasn’t the crime that was cerebral.
Post-war sex, mostly. The sexual libération, tu vois.
French people having sex with questionable haircuts.
Sorry, that was ambiguous: French people with questionable haircuts having sex.
Yes, but aren’t any of them critical darlings?
Wait, why were we wasting all that time on critically-unacclaimed cerebral French-language movies?
Le Faucon Maltais?
Ah, the days before Gérard Depardieu.
He’s… he’s not here yet, is he? Oh, phew.
Oh… hi, Gérard. You look fantastic!
Where did Gérard go?
Someone check Russia.
The crime: being too sexy, smoking too many cigarettes.
The crime: not enough drama.
The drama: not enough crime. Or sex.
The Red Balloon!
Audrey Tatou in World War II.
Audrey Tatou in a super color-saturated Paris.
Will they have sex?
[Dramatically] Will they have sex?
Who did the president have an affair with?
Who cares if they’re not critically-acclaimed? Oh right, there’s still affairs.
Sex in a shootout, sex on a mountain.
Oh, here we go.
Less dramatic sexual awakenings.
The criminals are having an affair in the bank! Hilarious!
This is how French people have affairs. Let’s watch.
Fifteen minutes of sex, 5 minutes of shouting. Repeat for 115 minutes.
Unnecessary distinctions. All French people are polyamorous.
Oh, don’t be so dramatic.
Anything starring Gérard Depardieu having sex.
“These are guns!”
“These are also guns.”
Why do the French have so much sex?
We have to pass a law to stop these people from having sex in films. The population is out of control.
A world in which French people do not feature sex in films.
Thigh-high boots? Thrilling!
War of the sexes. Using sex.
Just enough grit, just enough crime.
Just enough grit, not enough crime.
Wouldn’t want to get suckered into watching a reverent French comedy!
Wouldn’t want to get suckered into watching a comedy!
If you don’t speak the language, pretty much all French movies are mind-bending.
Movies in which they laugh during sexual encounters.
Movies in which they cry during sexual encounters.
It’s scary how much the French have affairs.
Remember that time we had an affair?
“Steamy” because they’re having an affair.
“Steamy” and LGBTQ.
Even not having sex, if it’s French-language, it’s still steamy.
“Understated” meaning “softcore pornography” in French.
Critically-acclaimed yet understated… how French.
Mostly starring mimes. They’re super understated.
Ah, the one decade the French ill-advisedly attempted understatement.
This also describes any movie featuring a Québécoise accent.
Here’s the comprehensive—and frankly bonkers—list of hidden Netflix categories. Bon cinéma!