11. I can see you waiting for me to pay my check already.

10. Between the ice water and excessive AC, we’re freezing our butts off over here. Waiting tables is hard work, so maybe wear an undershirt and some deoderant? Turn down the AC and be like the French: embrace a little healthy glow.

9. One loud party in a quiet restaurant. This is for our fellow diners: Chad, your story of the heirloom tomato that looked exactly like a dildo may be haha funny, but it’s not share-it-with-the-room funny.

8. It there’s a mini-sip left in my glass then I AM NOT DONE DRINKING MY WINE so don’t take my glass.

7. DO NOT bring me the check if you haven’t given me a chance to order coffee or dessert.

6. The tip. This is stressful for you, too, n’est-ce pas? Ditch the tip America. Pay your servers a decent effing wage already and reflect this in the price of your food. You’re just setting all of us up for disappointment.

5. “We’re in America,” says the French tourist, “let’s have breakfast at a diner! […] Wait, this isn’t coffee… What is this? Maybe some milk – did it just turn gray?” In the US only go to a diner when you don’t want coffee.

4. “We don’t seat uncompleted parties.” We get it: at a US restaurant, time is money. Seated diners should be constantly increasing their bills and you want to cycle as many paying customers through as possible in an evening. Get in. Fill up. Get out.  Nonetheless, having a host/ess remind you of this reality is a horrible way to kick of an evening.

3. In France, restaurants put a “carafe d’eau” on your table. It’s usually an old wine bottle that’s been cleaned and filled with tap water. When it’s empty, they replace it with another one. Simple, effective, no ice needed. American waitstaff: embrace the carafe.

2. With tax and tip, it’s not just a check, it’s a reality check.

1. Speaking of the tip, go ahead and add it on for us — just be sure to tell us so that we don’t think you’re trying to get us to tip twice. The restaurant experience is one of the biggest culture shocks that French people will experience in the US. If it was frustrating for us, it was probably frustrating for you. That doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be paid. THAT is how the French do restaurants.